Professor!
Yes!
Where are you?
Behind the rock!
Behind which rock?
This rock, you idiot. Come on.
Close the door and hurry it. Bring it up!
We're safe up here.
Yeah, safe here.
Help!
My apologies. There's a polar bear in our car.
If you don't leave this car immediately, I shall personally feed you to the bear.
If the bears don't get us, we'll certainly freeze to death out there!
As far as freezing is concerned, you have the same chance that we have.
- Not if you put us out in the blizzard. - Snowing very bad.
May I point out that you've completely demolished my top.
And there's very little difference between the blizzard out there and in here.
Except that you have blankets and stimulants.
Stimulants.
He's right.
Miss Dubois, you're not suggesting...
If two in a blanket stand a better chance than one...
Then four in a blanket...
He's a cheat and a liar.
That's beside the point.
The point is that we're freezing.
Yes, and the time has come to cast aside our personal differences.
Bury the hatchet.
And you know who has the hatchet.
He doesn't even have a whole moustache...
...so why can't we settle this whole thing underneath the blanket?
We must get underneath the blankets together. Close together.
Therefore, it will be necessary to lower the seat.
Lower the seat!
Max, the back!
The foot. Watch that foot!
I beg your pardon.
Champagne, Professor?
Thank you.
Hey, this is terrific.
May I propose a toast?
What's so funny? Something wrong?
What happened to your mustache?
- I broke it off. - You what?
I broke it off. It was frozen. Look.
What time is it?
Just a moment.
7:30.
- Good morning. - Good morning.
Very big. The head very big.
Time to get up.
Professor, time to get up.
Come on, Professor, rise and shine.
Rise and shine?
- 7:30. - Then you rise, you shine.
- He's always like this in the morning. - I'm not always like this!
This particular morning I happen to be seasick.
Too much champagne.
I'm not sick from champagne, I'm sick from the sea!
- It's not necessary to yell at her. - I'll yell at whoever I want to yell at!
- He always yells like this. - Let me out of here!
7:30 in the morning, you idiots, I'm seasick!
Rise and shine.
Help! Max!
I'm coming, Professor.
I got you!
You're wasting your time.
- Perhaps. - We're melting.
- Slowly. - We're going to sink.
- Eventually. - Then you're wasting your time!
I shall place this log...
...in a water-tight container, if found...
...it shall provide valuable information for those who may follow.
Valuable information for those who may follow.
Professor, I got an idea.
Instead of the book, why don't you and me get into the container?
Shut up!
- We got to do something. - Don't worry.
Before this iceberg melts and we drown like rats, we're going to do plenty.
We're going to starve!
Miss Dubois, I recommend we have cold meals from now on...
...we're melting fast enough as it is.
What difference does it make? A few hours one way or another.
Minutes have made the difference in survival, Miss Dubois.
Mr. Leslie, I suspect you are being unrealistically optimistic for my benefit.
And it isn't at all necessary.
We're lost on an iceberg, and doomed to drift with the tide and melt.
You're a brave woman, Miss Dubois.
Red sky.
So what?
There's going to be a storm.
What are you talking about?
"Red sky in the morning, sailor, take warning."
You thimble-headed gherkin, do you realize the odds against a storm...
...in this part of the ocean at this time of year? 100-to-1.
Throw me a rope!
"Red sky in the morning, sailor, take warning."
Why you, nincompoop!
Max!
Another foot.
Thirty-seven inches to go.
At the rate we've been melting that's good for about one more week.
You better keep it to yourself.
Of course I'll keep it to myself.
Until the water reaches my lower lip, then I'll mention it to somebody.
What was the professor complaining about?
You know the professor.
He thinks we're melting too fast, and he was venting his wrath on the gods.
Are we melting too fast?
I don't think so. According to my calculations...
...we'll reach land just about the time that our feet get wet.
- I'm hungry. - She's getting it.
How long does it take to open a can of beans?
The eternal struggle takes time, Max.
What struggle? She's got a can opener.
You cork-brain, I'm talking about man, woman, sex, conquest.
What was that?
He's making his move. And I'm sure she's interested.
But unless I miss my guess she will never submit.
If she does, we won't get any beans.
It's a contest, and he's using weapons that have toppled everything...
...from a Kansas farm girl to a European duchess.
But she will counter with women's rights.
That's terrible.
For a man like Leslie, that's terrible. Like me, he must win on his own terms.
She recognizes no terms except her own.
Come and get it.
You see?
Maybe she doesn't mean us.
Hey, Professor.
Hey, Professor, up and at 'em.
Up and at 'em?
- It's 7:30. Up and at 'em. - "Up and at 'em!"
Don't yell!
Always yells like that in the morning.
You idiot! "Hey, Professor, up and at 'em."
"Hey, Professor, up and at 'em, it's 7:30."
We're underwater!
We're underwater! We're doomed!
- We'll make it. - We'll make what?
- Land. - Land!
Land!
It's probably East Cape. I see a ship in the harbor.
We're saved. We're saved!
Max, we're saved! We're saved!
- I am Professor Fate! - We're saved!
Max, my trusty trout, the cannon.
Fire the cannon, let them know we're here!
Push the button, Max!
Max!
Ahoy!
Isn't it wonderful to see an American ship in this godforsaken outpost?
It is indeed. It's probably from San Francisco or Seattle.
Ahoy, iceberg.
It's me!
If I didn't know better I would say that's...
It's me!
- Hezekiah. - What?
You gave me your word and I trusted you.
Then you handcuffed Hezekiah to the Atchison, Topeka and Santa Fe.
It was the Southern Pacific.
What has that got to do with it? You gave me your word.
- You gave me no choice! - You lie!
I told you I would finish the race.
- Push the button, Max. - Are you sure this is such a good idea?
She is his Achilles' heel, she is our ace in the hole.
- She must not be left behind now, Max! - I know!
Push the button.
But you can't leave me here.
Boss!
We want jobs. We want jobs.
Frisbee?
Frisbee!
Frisbee?
I'm sorry, dear.
- Capitulate, Henry. - Never.
Well, remember we're having the Simpsons to dinner. Now try not to be late.
Excuse me.
I'm sorry, dear.
I could hardly get across the hall.
Why are you complaining? I have to sleep with their leader.
This is from Reuters.
"Last report dated March 10.
"Fate's car still in lead and nearing Srednek Kolimsk."
They could have reached the Lena River by now.
- Hey, Professor, what is this? - Shut up.
You give them beads, makes them friendly.
Obviously, they don't know who I am.
I am professor Fate!
You want to try the beads?
What is the word for "friends"?
- Professor... - Shut up!
- I don't know this language. - Get the dictionary.
- I've got it. - What is it?
I can't pronounce it.
Very simple.
- "Drozia." - Drozia.
I speak, read and write French, Russian and Arabic.
Max, stick with the car!
She don't act like she's being kidnapped.
Max!
Boss, this dispatch just came in from Maggie Dubois.
"Have crossed Carpanian border.
"No contact with Leslie's car in nearly three weeks.
"So there's no way of telling who's in the lead."
The Webber Motor Car Company built the Leslie Special.
- Have they integrated yet? - No.
They still refuse to hire any women.
Until Webber changes its policy, there will be no mention...
...of the Leslie Special in this newspaper.
But you can't do that. We'll lose their advertising.
Mr. Frisbee, until my husband is released...
...from Happy Acres, I am in charge here.
Yes, sir... Ma'am.
Now, let's see.
They should be approaching the next gasoline stop...
...which is Potzdorf.
I am General Kuhster.
I will escort you to the palace where you will be the guests...
...of His Royal Highness, Prince Hapnick.
We are deeply honored.
Who's Prince Hapnick?
He's the royal heir to the throne.
I say we should've dumped her a long time ago!
I say we shall dump her when I say we'll dump her!
She's playing you for a sucker!
Good afternoon, gentlemen.
What do you want?
Who are you?
Professor Fate. And who might you be?
- Incredible. - Amazing.
Unhand me.
I found this wildcat swimming in the lake.
I demand to know what this is all about?
It's very simple:
You and your friends are under arrest.
- Will you be in Potzdorf long, Mr. Leslie? - I'm afraid not.
We leave tomorrow morning. Early.
Where is your competitor, this Professor Fate?
- I suspect not far behind. - Lf he ain't ahead of us already.
Have you met the Crown Prince yet, Mr. Leslie?
No, I haven't had the honor.
His Royal Highness, Crown Prince Frederick Hapnick!
Hey, boss...
- Yeah, but that's... - No, it isn't.
That was exhausting.
Your Highness!
Your highness, may I present the Great Leslie.
- Your Highness. - And this is Mr. Hezekiah.
Welcome to Potzdorf.
Excuse me, Your Highness, but do you have any relatives in the United States?
Me? Relatives in the States?
It's of no consequence, Sire. It's just that you bear...
...an uncanny resemblance to someone we both know.
- Someone who looks like me? - Yes, sir.
Poor fellow.
May I have the honor of this dance?
In the Kingdom of Carpania if one doesn't waltz...
...one doesn't dance. And I love to dance.
Only problem is, I hate the waltz.
I waltz just enough to comply with tradition...
...then I sneak off to more rewarding activities.
Brandy!
I should have scheduled divine entertainment for you:
Carpania's full of forests. The forests are full of gypsies...
...and the gypsies are full of shenanigans such as swallowing swords...
...and chewing broken glass, eating fire.
It's wonderful! I don't know how they do it.
Your Highness should visit India one day.
India, isn't that where they have those Hindu persons walking on hot coals?
And lie on nails!
They train those hideous snakes!
I think I'm supposed to go to India, after I assume the throne...
- Do we go to India, General? - Yes.
Good, I can hardly wait. Sit. Here, have a cigar.
The coronation is tomorrow. I hope you'll stay, you Great Leslie, you.
I'd be most honored, Your Highness.
But if you attend the coronation, won't you lose time in your race to Paris?
Since there hasn't been report Professor Fate has crossed your border...
...I assume that I'm in the lead.
But he might cross at any moment.
It's been my experience, General...
...that there is little advantage to winning if one wins too easily.
What do you say to that, General?
An admirable point of view. For anyone, but a soldier.
In my profession, to win is imperative. To win easily is a blessing.
Yes, blessing. He has terrible mottos written all over his walls like:
"If a good soldier dies with his boots on, rest assured they're polished."
- Good evening, Your Highness. - Rolfe, you rogue, where have you been?
My apologies for being late, Your Highness, but I was delayed by...
...some last minute business.
You haven't been dueling again, you naughty boy.
No, Your Highness.
Mr. Leslie, this is Baron Rolfe Von Stuppe.
Baron Von Stuppe, is Carpania's greatest swordsman.
Matter of fact, his prowess with the blade...
...is surpassed only by his reputation with the ladies.
- Baron. - I'm honored.
Sit and drink up. The evening's young, we're all going to have such a gay...
Brandy! What kept you?
What makes you so great, Mr. Leslie?
Greatness is a light-hearted title for theatrical amusements.
Or a definition endowed on men...
...too long dead to know that its been awarded.
I'm simply Leslie.
And I'm at your service, Your Highness.
Goodness gracious.
You know there's one thing wrong with living in a palace:
It takes so long to get from one place to another.
I live in a constant state of exhaustion. Poor Prince!
One good thing, when one was young, you could play along the corridors.
I used to ride my pony up and down this corridor when I was young.
Then I grew up and got drunk, and fell off.
I'm going to bed, now.
Good night, Your Highness.
- Who is going to tuck me in? - I can manage that.
No. You're the sloppiest tucker-inner in all Potzdorf.
If there's anything I abhor, it's a sloppy tucker-inner.
Good night, you good Leslie, you. Sleep tight and don't let the bedbugs bite.
There, kids.
They've been waiting for me.
Mumsey...
...l'm afraid I had a teeny-weeny bit too much to drink.
But then again, I always have a teeny-weeny bit too much to drink.
Because Mumsey isn't here to scold me.
I wish Mumsey were here.
Hello.
Good night, Mumsey.
Running like a top.
Good mechanics always got to keep checking. Every little thing.
A beautiful machine.
Indeed it is.
And you make sure nobody gets nearer than 50 feet to it, you understand?
Unless of course, it's me or...
...Mr. Leslie. - Don't worry.
Well, I'll see you in the morning.
Looks like a beautiful night.
I think I'll just take a little stroll around the palace.
Don't make too much noise.
It's a secret.
A secret? I love secrets.
- What's the secret? - What we're doing, your Highness.
We're going to take you for a little ride.
Good. Where are we going?
For a little ride, your Highness.
In you go.
Speed on.
King, I'm going to be king.
It'll do no good to get the bars out off the windows.
You and your stupid ideas.
Max can't accomplish anything with a pen knife.
And if he could, it's at least a 100-foot drop.
Unhand me! You blackguards, scoundrels! Unhand me!
I demand to see the American Consul.
You blundering idiots!
You'll answer to my government for this outrage! Outrage!
You have kidnapped me. Fate the Magnificent!
Let's get practical. I don't care what you do to the others...
...as long as you let me go. What do you say to $500?
Professor...
...allow me to present His Royal Highness, Prince Hapnick.
Heir to the throne of Carpania.
Hi, there.
It's out!
No!
I suggest you reconsider.
I won't do it!
Then you leave us no alternative.
I'll do it.
Don't just stand there, do something.
Hezekiah, please wake up.
Hezekiah?
Please, Hezekiah.
Max!
Open this door!
Max, you little rat! I'll get you for this.
By tomorrow, you'll be king.
After that you declare General Kuhster chancellor and quietly abdicate.
Your Highness, remember one slip and you're dead.
Aren't we all?
Good evening.
When we get back to the palace, you must trim your mustache.
You must look exactly like the prince.
Can you laugh?
What do you mean can I laugh?
- The prince has a very individual laugh. - Like what?
No, that's much too bass. The prince is more of a soprano. Try it.
Try it once more.
I demand to know what this is all about.
You've been told. You're under arrest.
I know, but for what?
- Spying. - Spying?
At last, the Great Leslie is finished. I've won!
They said I never could. Get off of the bed!
Don't you try any double-crosses, my friend, keep our deal.
He stays in the pokey until I'm safely in Paris.
When it comes to double-crossers, you are looking at the king!
Not until you've trimmed your mustache, Your Majesty.
I hate you.
I've come to see the Great Leslie.
I'm sorry, Padre, I can't let anyone see the prisoner...
...without the proper authority.
I understand. Bless you, my son.
Leslie!
I'm here. In here.
- Max! - We've got to save the professor.
What about Miss Dubois and Hezekiah?
- They're with the baron. - The baron?
He's got everybody. We've got to go save the professor.
Stop! Stop!
Escaped?
With a small friar.
Leslie escaped with a chicken?
No, you idiot, with a friar. A monk. A priest.
What should we do?
The coronation must take place without delay.
With Leslie free, every minute counts.
You're right. With Leslie on the loose, every second counts.
Are you sure that the baron's castle is on a lake?
I'm positive. Great big lake.
And the only lake on this map is straight ahead.
You're not serious?
Deadly serious.
You're a sadistic fiend.
He has only to answer a few simple questions.
Not the mustache.
Why did you come here?
Who sent you?
- Proceed. - No!
Touch one hair on his head and you'll answer to...
...Teddy Roosevelt and the United States government!
"My country 'tis of thee
"Sweet land of liberty of thee I sing"
That's it. On the lake. Come on, we'll save the professor.
Maximillian, if Miss Dubois and Hezekiah are not in that castle...
They're there, I swear it. Come on, save the professor.
They're there. Cross my heart.
Terrific.
What's more, do as I tell you. Stay down. Down.
"Land where our fathers died
"Land of thy pilgrim's pride from every mountainside
"Let freedom ring"
Shut up, Professor.
They're there.
Here comes the Marines!
Good evening, Baron.
Well, Mr. Leslie.
What a pleasant surprise.
I half expected to see you again, but...
...not with a sword in your hand.
Do you prefer the foil?
Not particularly. It happened to be convenient.
I presume you know how to use one.
I hope that won't be necessary.
I'm sure you do.
Will you release Miss Dubois and the others?
- No. - I'm afraid this will be necessary.
You're being very foolish.
That's an assumption, Baron. You make me the victim even before we start.
It's your life.
You're assuming again. En garde.
Very adroit, Mr. Leslie. Very skilled.
My compliments, Mr. Leslie. You handle the foil very well.
Thank you, Baron. So do you.
Personally, I prefer a man's weapon. How are you with a saber?
There's only one way to find out.
Surround him!
Look out! Look out!
Oh, the smoke!
Running away, Baron?
As a very wise English gentleman once said:
"He who fights and runs away, may live to fight another day."
So until another day, Mr. Leslie.
Please excuse me. I have a boat waiting.
Faster!
Professor, the jig is up.
Your Highness.
Your Royal Highness. Your Royal Highness!
Wait, Your Royal Highness! My prince!
Out of the way!
Your Highness.
Your Highness, we've got to get out of here!
You wouldn't dare!
Please!
Wait for me. Wait for me.
- Your Majesty. - Hi, there.
Brandy!
Throw more brandy.
More brandy.
Brandy. Throw more brandy.
Rum. I never mix my pies. I want to play, too.
Miss Dubois!
Hey, Professor!
Hey, Professor.
Hey, Professor!
You. You're the cause of it all. It was your idea.
No, Your Highness. It was Baron Von Stuppe.
I don't care. You're banished!
I'm getting a new tucker-inner. Banished, banished!
Miss Dubois!
Hey, Professor!
- Hey, Professor, where are you? - Right here, you idiot.
Terrific. Let's go. I got the car.
More pies! More pies!
Oh, Leslie! Leslie!
Goodbye. Farewell, you good Leslie, you.
I hope you win. I hope you win!
I'll miss him. Oh, there it is!
General?
E Flat.
I think I better go and fix the car.
- Miss Dubois. - Yes?
I believe the time has come for us to resolve our differences.
Good.
As you know, I've steadfastly maintained...
...an uncompromising position about women's rights and the equality of sexes.
As have I.
Therefore, it is safe to assume that has been the principal area of our conflict.
No doubt about it.
Therefore, in the interest of progress and harmony...
...I am willing to concede to your point of view.
Concede?
You are an emancipated woman, Miss Dubois.
And I am an emancipated man.
Come back here.
You are the most unreasonable, inconsistent female...
- I'm unreasonable? I'm inconsistent? - Yes.
What about you? Talk about inconsistent.
- Inconsistent! - And unreasonable.
- Unreasonable! - And arrogant.
- Arrogant! - Yes, arrogant!
All right, Miss Dubois, let's discuss arrogance for a moment.
All right, Mr. Leslie. Let's.
Any woman who has the unmitigated arrogance to consider herself man's equal.
Any man who has the arrogance to consider himself better than a woman.
- Any fool knows that a woman cannot... - That's right! Any fool!
- You know what's the matter with you? - I know what's the matter with you.
What did I tell you?
She's going to win the race for us. The buffalo-headed vixen!
- I tried to kiss you. - I know what you tried.
You're the one that's been preaching emancipation.
We're going to win, Max. We're going to win!
I think you turn right at the next corner.
- You're not talking about equal rights. - I know what I'm talking about.
You're talking about some convenient feminine utopia...
...that has all of the advantages and no responsibilities.
- Responsibilities? - Yes!
Look who's talking about responsibilities. Turn right.
- Go back and turn right. - We do not turn right.
- I know Paris. - So do I.
You have to turn right in order to get to the Eiffel Tower.
If we turn right back there, we'd end up on the Montmartre Steps.
You talk a good fight, but when it comes down to it...
...you're as emancipated as a confirmed spinster in a knitting bee.
How would you know?
You're a suffragette. You're the one who wanted to bring sex out in the open.
So I brought it out into the open and I got slapped in the face for my trouble.
Your interpretation of bringing sex out into the open and mine are two different things.
Well, will you please tell me what your concept of sex is?
Gladly!
You and your stupid map!
She's still with him. You said if she was with him, we couldn't lose.
Shut up!
And because I consider myself sexually free and morally emancipated...
...l'm a responsible, discriminating woman who doesn't intend to jump into bed...
...with the first muscular egocentric male who thinks he can seduce me...
...by agreeing with some of the things I believe in.
- I only wanted to kiss you. - Why?
Because I love you, that's why.
- You don't believe me? - I do not.
- What are you doing? - Proving that I love you.
You'll lose the race.
Can you think of a better way to prove it?
Max, I won!
- I won! - We won!
- I am invincible! - We won!
I have beaten Leslie at last.
The world is mine!
You lost.
Only the race.
I am king!
I am the king.
No, I'm not! I didn't beat him. He let me win!
I can't win this way. I can only win one way:
My way! They let me win!
I can't win your way. You cheated.
You cheated.
You cheated! You cheated!
You cheated. I hate you.
I refuse to accept!
I won't win any way but my way. You ruined my reputation!
Do you hear? You, I hate!
You with your hair that is always combed.
Your suit is always white. Your car is always clean.
I refuse to accept. I challenge you to another race.
- Get off my hood. - Another race!
Come on, Professor, go!
Come on, go, go!
Relax, this time I'm going to win it my way.
Push the button, Max!